Making It All Go Away
by SweetestRemedy
Summary: Struggling with the sadness every day.


This pain accompanies me every night. It's familiar, but in no way comforting. It's such an aching hurt, so deep it makes me hurt physically too. When I think about It, my face crumbles and tears threaten to fall. My breath hitches and my vision swims. Throbbing starts in my throat from holding back the tears. I feel like my world is ending. And I want it to end. But I'm too scared to do the deed. Sometimes pain is better than nothing at all. But this pain is so bad. I wonder if anything will ever be okay again.

I can't sit here with this, I have to numb it, I need it to go away, at least for a little while. I'm a coward because I can't fix myself. I cover it up. I drink and I take pills. In hope it'd all go away. One two three four eight, who's counting how many tablets go down? Whatever it takes to make the hurt leave. Chase it down with vodka or whiskey or maybe rum. No pussyfooting around. Not looking to get buzzed I'm looking to get black-out-vomiting-up-my-guts drunk. Do I dare to mix more drugs in? Maybe some robo, hallucinations would be nice. Shots of alcy burn my throat and my stomach is on fire, I can feel the hot fingers of it tickling the inside of me. My eyes water, not with the alcohol, but with that deep hurting. I'm not fucked up enough for it to go away, oh but I will be. Soon.

The alcohol is starting to hit, my brain swims with numbness and confusing thoughts. My skin tingles and feels warm, but when I touch it, it feels cold.

I sit here, reveling in the first stage of intoxication. It seems as though I can feel the pills dissolving in my stomach. I can imagine the drugs entering my blood stream, coursing through my body.

My brains so clouded, only broken thoughts enter, making no sense. My body feels so weird. I feel like I can float and feel no pain. It's all okay because it's all goood. I see my hand reach for more alcohol, but I miss and knock the bottle over. I see it spill and can smell the eye-watering scent. Watching it drip into the carpet makes me laugh and cry at the same time. Oh well, I guess I've had enough. The drugs are kicking in and I am no way platueing yet.

I have music playing and I can see the notes playing in the air. The music rings and dings and sounds so familiar but it echoes and I can't make out what it is. I close my eyes to hear it better, but I sway in my seat, the blackness overbearing. I open them but it's no better. Everything turns and tilts, revolving on its axis. I try to concentrate my eyes to focus in on something. Useless. I can't feel anything. My mind floats, not attached to my body, free.

I begin to feel sick but this is familiar. I try to voice it, to tell the empty room that I don't feel good. But I can't move my throat to make noise. From a far distance I can feel a little fear strike me. But I'm so far gone it doesn't matter. I can't move I can't move my head I can't even move my eyes. Everything swims before me. My body becomes slack and I can't hold myself up, but somehow my chair does that for me. Hot burning puke rushes from my mouth only to splatter in my lap. Immediately after it comes again. And again. I'm graying out, my mind having already retreated I can no longer think.

Finally before the darkness completely sweeps me, I take notice that bright red surrounds me. Before it takes over me, my mind comes back a little and I have time to think about what hurts me so. The sickness makes it hurt not so much.

I wake up several hours later, sick out of my mind still. Everywhere around me is vomit, deep red, blood. It's fucking everywhere. I still can't move, it's so damn hard to breath, making my lungs rise is a struggle. My minds still away from me. I feel like this is happening to someone else. I watch the vomit come forth with interest. It's such a bright color.

I sit there for another hour or two, who knows who cares, until I'm able to stand. Somehow I walk to the bathroom. I get in the shower fully clothed. I shower for an hour I think, barfing throughout it. I remember walking back to my room, walking into what looked like a murder scene. I pass out on my bed. When I wake up in the morning I throw up several more times, and clean up the awful amounts of the barf. It takes several washings on the floor to get out the red.

The things I do to make it all go away. I can't put a gun to my head, but I can kill myself slowly. Nobody wants a person like me, who does this to themselves. I wish I had to the courage to end it all. I'm a sad story, but don't pity me. Just let me suffer in silence.

* * *

_She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger  
And finally drank away his memory  
Life is short but this time it was bigger  
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees  
We found her with her face down in the pillow  
Clinging to his picture for dear life  
We laid her next to him beneath the willow  
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby_

_**Whiskey Lullaby by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow**_

* * *

_'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all  
This life is filled with hurt  
Anger and agony  
Are better than misery_

_**Pain by Three Days Grace**_

* * *

_Someone save me if you will  
And take away all these pills  
And please just save me, if you can  
From the blasphemy in my wasteland_

_How did I get here  
And what went wrong  
Couldn't handle forgiveness  
Now I'am far beyond gone  
And I can hardly remember  
The look of my own eyes _

**_Save Me by Shinedown_**


End file.
